New Year

Last year, New Years Eve 2022, I sat in the corner of my couch in the home I had made and cried out to God. "I can't be here like this next year," I cried, "I can't keep living like this."

I was in a dark place due to a dark person's cruelty.

That New Years Eve was when I finally had reached the end of hope.  I had lived on hope for so long and it was this day, looking into the beginning of another year that was shaping up to be worse than the years before, had me crushed. I didn't think it could get worse, but it was about to be much worse. 

Curled up in the dark that night on New Years Eve is a key memory for me.

This New Years Eve, I am curled up on the corner of the couch again.  Except this is a different couch, much more comfy I might add, and sitting in a different home that I have made with friends and family.  Where last year I was devoid of hope, this year I am full of hope.  It's been the most brutal year and it's been the most wonderful year.  Both can be true.

When I prayed that desperate prayer 365 days ago, I had no idea how God would work.  Or if He would.  If I am being completely honest, I really was feeling like God had forgotten me and never heard me anymore.  But then God picked me up and set me in a car wash.

It's true.

At the car wash I go to, I pull up and have to watch the attendant carefully to know where to drive in so my tires are in the right spot.  I never take my eyes off the attendant as he directs me.  I have full confidence he can see where I need to go...because he can and I can't.  Then I put my vehicle in neutral.  Neutral means you have no power.  You give over all power to the tracks you are now on.  The car wash attendant sprays my vehicle with a high powered hose I would not want to be on the receiving end of.  But I know I am safe in my vehicle so I don't flinch when the hose sprays the dirt and grime off the body of the vehicle.  I don't feel scared when the attendant coats the windows with a heavy soap I can’t see out of.  I don't panic when the tracks lead my vehicle forward to be buffeted by large brushes and loud noises.  My steering wheel turns a little to the left and right but I am not touching it.  My feet are not on the pedals and yet I am being moved slowly forward thanks to the tracks pulling my vehicle through the wash.  I do this because I know it is better for my vehicle.  The tracks safely pull me through, and deliver me out the other side all shiny and clean. After being in the dark of the wash, my eyes have to adjust to the brightness of the sunshine that is outside. 

The sunshine was there all the time, I just couldn't see it because of the dark place I was in.

That's what 2023 has been for me.

I have been directed through a life that has buffeted me and kept me in the dark and I had no control over.  But I trusted the process because I knew who I was trusting...God. 

The end of 2023 has slowly rolled me out of it, freshly washed and tentative as I slowly pull forward and drive into my brand new life.

I spent so many years being forced down, and now I am tentatively rising up to stand tall and taking a step forward.  It feels exhilarating and terrifying. and this sunshine is blinding and beautiful.

I am taking those first steps forward to rise up from what needed to be left behind and let my shiny new life shine bright.

After all the hard, I am so full of hope for the good.

That is what this blog journey is.  And if you are interested in traveling along with me, well, I have no idea what roads we are about to travel down together but I am confident it's going to be an adventure worth having.

First stop...coffee.  Because no trip can begin without good coffee. 

Let’s see where the road takes me.